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But before you begin, please read and accept our Terms of Service and Data Policy:
This agreement was written in Legal English. To the extent any translated version of this agreement conflicts with the Legal English version, including human-readable formats that make sense, the Legal English version controls. Please note that Section 16 contains certain loopholes that are completely impenetrable to your understanding. To be honest, we appreciate your not reading this at all.
Date of Last Revision: April 26, 2003.
Statement of Rights and Responsibilities
This Statement of Rights and Responsibilities (Statement) governs our dominance over users and others who interact with professr. By using, accessing, or even thinking about professr, you agree to this Statement.
Privacy
As you read this, or interact with the site, or even think of the site, your privacy is being violated in countless ways. We have installed "cookies" (small text files that read your email and report the contents to us) on your machine, as well as "Flash" or "Super Cookies" (otherwise known as Locally-Stored Objects, or LSOs). In addition, we are using GPS, black van, and foot surveillance on you right now. Our intentions are to gather your medical history, credit reports, and innermost desires, package them in a proprietary format we call "Snapshots," and then sell them to marketers, local governments, and national governments. Despite the fact that "Snapshots" are comprised of 95% of your personal data, you may not see them, and no court in the land will grant you the right to do so. In addition, if you visit the site with a browser equipped with Adblock Plus or No Script extensions, or any other privacy tools that exist or will exist, we will tell your contacts that you are a loser.
Sharing Your Content and Information
We control all of the content and information you post on professr, and we can control how it is shared. However, we do not claim to own your data. Rather, by using professr, you specifically give us the following permission, subject to your privacy and application settings: you grant us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, worldwide license to use any IP content that you post on or in connection with professr (IP License). This IP License ends when you provide us with $10,000 in cashier's checks. Ignorance is strength.
When you "delete" IP content, it is moved from the main servers to our permanent backup servers located in the Cayman Islands. There, our employees laugh at your awkward photos and email them to each with new captions. We also continue to monitor you with satellites.
We hate feedback or other suggestions about this service. You are sheep and deserve no say. If you do offer suggestions, you understand that we may use them without any obligation to compensate you for them (just as you have no obligation to offer them, except your pathetic desire to ingratiate yourselves to us). If the ideas are great, we will take total credit for them. Lawyer up if you want to. We have the finest lawyers in the world.
Security
We have hired armed guards (typically ex-Blackwater mercenaries) to protect our centralized server farms and to keep intruders out.
We are also prepared to have you arrested if you do the following:
- You will not send or otherwise post unauthorized commercial communications (such as spam) on professr without giving us a 75% cut of any proceeds.
- You will not collect users' content or information, or otherwise access professr, using automated means (such as harvesting bots, robots, spiders, or scrapers) without our permission. We will, however, grant permission to users who have socialbots capable of increasing user production on our site.
- You will not engage in unlawful multi-level marketing, such as a pyramid scheme, on professr. That's what we do. (This rule void in the state of Utah, which requires residents to participate in pyramid schemes while online.
- You will not upload viruses or other malicious code. We define malicious as anything that extends the usefulness of professr or protects your privacy.
- You will not bully, intimidate, or harass our employees.
- You will not do anything that could disable, overburden, or impair the proper working of professr, such as a denial of service attack or the use of the Low Orbit Ion Cannon.
- You will not facilitate or encourage any violations of this Statement.
- You will not violate our Intellectual Property.
All security breaches will be met with force.
Registration and Account Security
If you provide false or misleading information about your identity, we will use our private detectives to a) find out your real identity and out you on professr and b) find out your most embarrassing secrets and expose them on reddit.
Protecting Our Rights
We expect you to do nothing to violate our ever-expanding bundle of corporate rights. This means:
- We can remove any content or information you post on professr if we believe that it violates this Statement.
- We will provide you with tools to help you transfer your intellectual property rights to us. To learn more, visit our How to Become an E-Lance Precariat page.
- If we remove your content for infringing our copyright, and you believe we removed it by mistake, screw you.
- You will not use our copyrights or trademarks (including professr, the professr Logos, "Education and Learning 2.0", the words book, happy, love, and death, and the numbers 7, 19, 46, and 32666), or any confusingly similar marks, without paying us first.
- If you collect information from users, you will give it us. We seen it first.
Mobile
We currently provide our mobile services for $15.95 a minute, and please be aware that your carrier's normal rates and fees, such as text messaging fees, will still apply.
In the event you change or deactivate your mobile telephone number, you will update your account information on professr within 48 hours to ensure that we can continue to track you.
Payments and Deals
If you make a payment on professr or use professr Credits, you agree to pay us a $25 fee.
If purchase a Deal, you agree to give us the material, goods, or service first if we demand them. We call this jus primae consumo.
If you provide a Deal or partner with us to provide a Deal, you agree to continue to buy our Deal Insurance Program. You have a nice business. You don't want something to happen to it, do you?
Special Provisions Applicable to Grade This!
If you include our Grade This! button on your website, the following additional terms apply to you:
- We give you permission to use professr's Grade This! button so that users can post links or content from your website on professr.
- You give us permission to use and allow others to use such links and content on professr.
- You will not place a Grade This! button on any page critical of professr.
About Advertisements and Other Commercial Content Served or Enhanced by professr
Our very existence is driven by consumption. Our goal is to deliver you, your attention, and your very subconscious to marketers so that you will realize the surplus value locked in whatever they are selling. In order to do that, you agree to the following:
- Your images, content, and ideas can be appropriated, reused, or remixed with advertisements in order to create the impression that you endorse the advertised products or services.
- We do not give your content or information to advertisers without them paying us for it.
- You understand that the lines between advertisement and content, opinion and fact, and labor and leisure are blurred in professr. These blurred boundaries are specifically created so marketing can colonize every aspect of your daily life. You produce yourself as a desiring subject within our template, and this labor of production makes you desirable to marketing.
Special Provisions Applicable to Advertisers
You can target your specific audience by buying ads on professr or our publisher network. The following additional terms apply to you if you place an order through our online advertising portal (Order):
- When you place an Order, you will tell us the type of advertising you want to buy, the amount you want to spend, and your bid. If we accept your Order, we will deliver your ads as inventory becomes available. When serving your ad, we deliver the ads to the precise individuals you specify, and we guarantee in every instance that your ad will reach its intended target. We offer a service where attractive people discuss your brands in bars over drinks with your target audience members, leading your target audience to believe that consuming your brand will get them laid.
- In instances where we believe doing so will enhance the effectiveness of your advertising campaign, we may broaden the targeting criteria you specify.
- You will pay for your Orders in cash. The amount you owe will be calculated based on our tracking mechanisms.
- Your ads will comply with our Advertising Guidelines. Blipverts and neurological marketing are not only allowed, they are encouraged.
- You may determine the size, placement, and positioning of your ads, even if they interfere with the Service or communication between users.
- We guarantee the activity that your ads will receive, such as the number of clicks you will get.
- We control how people interact with your ads, and we guarantee no click fraud or other improper actions that affect the cost of running ads. Click fraud is punishable by beatings.
- You can cancel your Order at any time through our online portal, but it may take up to 24 hours before the ad stops running. You are responsible for paying for those ads.
- Our license to run your ad will end when we have completed your Order. You understand, however, that if users have interacted with your ad, your ad may remain until the users delete it.
- We respect your intellectual property. We will not use your ads and related content and information for marketing or promotional purposes.
- You may issue any laudatory or sycophantic press release or make public statements about your relationship with professr without written permission.
- We may reject or remove any ad if you don't pay.
Amendments
We can change this Statement without notice. To get notice of any future changes to this Statement, read the Terms every morning.
Termination
If you violate the letter, spirit, or unwritten intentions of this Statement, or otherwise create risk or possible legal exposure for us, we can stop providing all or part of professr to you, and we will bring legal action. We will notify you by hired goons or at the next time you attempt to access your account. You may also delete your account or disable your application at any time. In all such cases, this Statement shall terminate, but the following provisions will still apply: 2.2, 2.4, 3-5, 8.2, 9.1-9.3, 9.9, 9.10, 9.13, 9.15, 9.18, 10.3, 11.2, 11.5, 11.6, 11.9, 11.12, 11.13, and 14-18.
Disputes
You will resolve any claim, cause of action or dispute (claim) you have with us arising out of or relating to this Statement or professr exclusively in a state or federal court located in a secret location far, far away from where you live. The laws of the State of Exception will govern this Statement, as well as any claim that might arise between you and us, without regard to conflict of law provisions. You agree to submit to the personal jurisdiction of the courts located in our secret location for the purpose of litigating all such claims.
If anyone brings a claim against us related to your actions, content or information on professr, you will indemnify and hold us harmless from and against all damages, losses, and expenses of any kind (including unreasonable legal fees and costs) related to such claim.
WE TRY TO KEEP professr UP, BUG-FREE, AND SAFE, BUT YOU USE IT AT YOUR OWN RISK. WE ARE PROVIDING professr AS IS WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT. WE DO NOT GUARANTEE THAT professr WILL BE SAFE OR SECURE. professr IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS, CONTENT, INFORMATION, OR DATA OF THIRD PARTIES, AND YOU RELEASE US, OUR DIRECTORS, OFFICERS, EMPLOYEES, AND AGENTS FROM ANY CLAIMS AND DAMAGES, KNOWN AND UNKNOWN, ARISING OUT OF OR IN ANY WAY CONNECTED WITH ANY CLAIM YOU HAVE AGAINST ANY SUCH THIRD PARTIES. IF YOU ARE AN EARTH RESIDENT, YOU WAIVE ALL RIGHTS TO LEGAL RECOURSE. YOU PAY ANY AND ALL LEGAL FEES ASSOCIATED WITH ANY SUITS YOU BRING AGAINST US.
Definitions
By professr we mean the features and services we make available, including through (a) our website at www.professr.com and any other professr branded or co-branded websites (including sub-domains, international versions, widgets, mobile versions, and cranial implants); (b) our Platform; (c) social plugins such as the Grade This! button and other similar offerings and (d) other media, software (such as a toolbar), devices, or networks now existing or later developed.
By Platform we mean a set of APIs and services that enable others, including application developers and website operators, to monitor your Web browsing and sexual habits.
By information we mean facts and other information about you, including actions you take, your desires, your hopes, your dreams, and your secret shames.
By content we mean anything you post on professr that would not be included in the definition of information.
By data we mean content and information that third parties can retrieve from professr or provide to professr through Platform.
By post we mean post on professr or otherwise make available to us (such as by using an application).
By use we mean use, copy, publicly perform or display, distribute, modify, translate, and create derivative works of.
By active registered user we mean a user who has logged into professr at least once in the previous 30 days.
By application we mean any application or website that uses or accesses Platform, as well as anything else that receives or has received data from us. If you no longer access Platform but have not deleted all data from us, the term application will apply until you delete the data.
Other
Nothing in this Statement shall prevent us from complying with states who demand your data in order to track you. In fact, in order to reduce costs associated with providing data to states that demand it, we have mirrors of our servers accessible to authoritarian regimes the world over, including Iran, Bahrain, Syria, the United States, and Australia.